The Max Murdok Program

…what pains me the most was the lost of “Pitchman” extroidonaire Billy Mays. NO!, I’m not kidding ya filthy animals, I think Billy was indeed quite awesome. Believe me, I was with you at one point -  he’d come on and I’d grab for the remote, because I didn’t want to get yelled at to buy Oxy Clean or some shit.

It was the Discovery Channels show Pitchmen that changed my opinion. It looks like Billy and Anthony Sullivan have both done well in their careers and kudos to them for that but what I found appealing about that show was the fact that they actually seem to enjoy helping people make their dreams come true. Love them or hate them, you can’t help but give them credit for that.

I thought the Pitchman show was brilliant. I say it in pass tense because, while they may have some episodes in the can, I can’t see anyone filling Billy’s shoes. Some people have mentioned that knucklehead “Vince” from Sham-Wow. No thanks. I’ll tell you some things about Mr. Vince Shlomi, or as he’s known now Vince “Offer”.

It’s unclear if he changed his name to Offer because of his budding, albeit floudering, pitchman career or what, but our friend Vince apparently has had some up’s and down’s in his career so far. A failed writer, failed film maker and comedian ( really? ) with the cinema classic called The Underground Comedy Movie. The New York Post said it “may be the least amusing comedy ever made,” and Lawrence Van Gelder of The New York Times described the movie as “a series of sketches built around subjects like masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality, and mockery of the unfortunate.” ( of course I HAVE TO see it now but,.. ) While LIVER, in it’s 20 plus years, has many songs based around those same little lovely topics, it was also clear we were goofin’. LIVER was and is a parody and most, not all, of our fans got that. It’s NOT clear if Vince Offer is or was goofin’ at all. As a matter of fact I’m pretty sure Vince may be into all that stuff. I have to watch what I say here, as it seems Mr. Offer is a little sue-happy. He tried to sue 20th Century Fox claiming the movie, There’s Something About Mary stole his schtick from several scenes in The Underground Comedy Movie. He lost. He also sued Anna Nicole Smith claiming she backed out of being in The Underground Comedy Movie. He lost. She died. Then he sued the Church of Scientology. I dunno what that was all over, but…. he lost and they ( Scientology )seem kinda kooky.

Most recently it seems Vince’s luck hasn’t gotten any better, as he was arrested in Miami Beach on a charge of felony battery after a run in with a 26 year old prostitute. Offer, who appears in police reports under his real name Vince Shlomi, contended that he struck the prostitute when she “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Hey, I don’t blame the guy there. That tongue is his bread a butter as he is obviously a much better pitchman than he is a movie star/producer but he is NO Billy Mays. I certainly could be wrong here, but Vince doesn’t seem to be the type who would want to help people out. I can’t imagine him and Anthony Sullivan working together, and while Vince’s Sham-Wow and “Love my nuts” Slap-Chop have earned him a place in Pop Culture I’d say he has a long way to go to play with the big dogs.

Think about it. Your job is to pitch stuff to people in a commercial or late night info-mercial and you know ahead of time that no one cares, they’ll change the channel more times than they watch you and you still go at it and give the pitch 110% if not more. Billy Mays did that and then some. Like I said, I thought the guy was a schlub and then when I watched the show Pitchmen, and you see the chemistry he and Sullivan had, and you realize that while sure, they are out to/will make a buck off the people they are pitching for, they don’t just pick any old product – they actually get behind the thing. And they get involved with the inventor, or whom ever it is that has the product or invention. You can see that there was much much more to the man than yelling at you from the TV. I was honestly bummed when I heard Billy Mays had died and I really think that the TV pitch will change drastically. Sullivan can certainly do the job, but Billy Mays was such a one of a kind on-screen personality that, love him or hate him you will notice the loss when the new Oxy Clean commercial come out. Billy leaves big shoes to fill and I don’t think Vince Offer is ready or has big enough feet to fill them. “…you know the German’s always make good stuff.” may be part of the American Pop Culture lexicon now, but when it comes to Pitchmen, it can’t come close to ( yelling ) “HI I’M BILLY MAYS,…..”, or “……BUT I’M STILL NOT DONE!” The best thing that could of ever happen was Discovery running the show Pitchmen because we got to see a different side of Billy Mays, and my 2 cents says he seemed like a helluva nice guy, the ultimate capitalist and pitchman, and – if he was welcomed or not in your home, you will notice his absence on your TV for sure. There was and will only ever be one Billy Mays!

UPDATE July 1, 2009:
I had no idea how intense Billy felt towards Sham-Wow, and Slap Chop and how annoyed by Vince Shlomi he was. I just watched the Pitchmen Season, and I assume series finale, and it was great to see that Billy got some last digs in on Vince. Looks like Discovery channel’s having a Pitchmen Tribute show on July 9th. I think way the networks handled this has been pretty classy and well done. The guy deserved that and more.

Here a clip from a few years back of, as it turns out, one of San Fran’s best kept secrets. No one is quite sure what he’s talking about and some think he’s just some weirdo. Well, I propose that Mr. Chu is so brilliant, so intelligent, mere mortals can not comprehend what he is saying,…or why. Just try and read that sign. I defy anyone to post back with a logical explanation of what it says ( if you can read it.)

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I’m sorry that the quality is so poor. I have a much better version of this “Interview” I just have to find it. And for sensitive half a sissies out there who plan to post about how I’m a tool for exploiting the guy, 1st – he came up to me as I was walking around San Fran getting some footage, and 2nd – do a ChuTube, I mean YouTube search for Frank Chu or Chew and see that he’s kind of an underground sensation. I think the man rocks! He get’s a little tired there mid way thru and to the end, running out of making sense – or maybe just getting bored talking to an ignorant human being such as myself. A conversation with Frank Chew can be compared to discussing quantum physics with a package of Ho-Ho’s. And you’re the Ho-Ho!

Enjoy the clip, and I’m sorry for the quality – Once I find the better clip, I’ll post that. Or maybe if I can, I’ll take a trip to San Fran and see if I can find him. I think he hangs out somewhere on Market Street. I’m sure other Frank Chu fans can point me in his direction. Why this man hasn’t been on Letterman yet, I’ll never know! My favorite quote: “…burglarizing my voice, ahhhh.” Love this guy!

Frank Chu Rules! Chu for Mayor! 12 Galaxies Ahhhhh!

San Francisco Hotels – Head to San Fran and Hunt for a Frank Interview!

Sometimes, when watching TV – the commercials, the shitcoms, made for TV movies and so on you see an actor that stands out, and then you see him or her again in something else and say, “…hey! it’s THAT guy!!” You don’t know their name or anything, but when you see them in a program or commercial it’s like running into an old friend or something. Ya like ‘em, and you’re happy to see them. Well this weeks “THAT GUY” is probably my favorite “THAT GUY” of all time, with out a doubt. And as far as “THAT GUY’s” go, he’s really above most of them. I’m sure you’ve seen him before in shows like,…Larry David, Philly, and movies A Mighty Wind, Hot Shots, as well as voice over work in American Dad. Currently Mr. Lake is in the Health Choice commercial with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

And so, allow me to introduce you to this weeks “THAT GUY”,…. DON LAKE! In my very humble opinion this is one of the funniest human beings alive. What makes Don Lake stand out are his mannerisms. When he’s cast in roles as your average guy, kind of timid and a bit nervous he nails it spot on. I decided to start this “THAT GUY” segment with him in mind actually. I think more people need to know about brilliant actors like Mr. Lake here. Sometimes these guys, these actors get lost in the cast if there are big stars altho from an acting stand point, it has to be a challenge to play diverse characters like some actors do.

I was really pleased and pleasantly surprised to see that Don ( if I can call you that Mr. Lake ) is also a writer but what blew me away, pardon my ignorance, but Don was also a member of the Second City Theater Group! Second City Alumni includes the likes of Dan Aykroyd, John Candy, Eugene Levy, and Mike Myers to name a few. Nice!

So keep your eyes peeled for Don out there. Aside from the Healthy Choice commercials, he’s also in a few Direct TV commercials as well currently running. He’s also in a really funny clip that runs a lot on the “Crime and Investigation” Channel. It’s for the show “Philly” and the segment they show is one of the funniest. In the clip he’s on the witness stand telling the court what happened. He lied to his wife to get her to go to a swingers club. The wife leaves for a bit and he claims he figured she hooked up with some one so he starts banging “some blonde”. She comes back and sticks a salad fork in his ass. But he has one of the best lines,”…if you put a fox in a hen house he’s gonna eat chicken, you know what I’m sayin’?” then turns to the female judge and his expression is priceless – you can see he regretted saying that and is suddenly embarrassed. It’s priceless. He also has a line: “…sure beats rentin’ porno tapes I’ll tell you that.” and again turns to the female judge, embarrassed again. YES, it’s one of those “You’d have to see it….” kinda things, and strongly suggest you do because hiding right under our noses is one of the funniest people you don’t know about, Don Lake. This weeks “THAT GUY”!  You can go see it if you like on TV.com and the episode is called: FORK YOU VERY MUCH. I have no idea how TV.com works. I think it’s a pay thing, so no thanks.

Yes!

I haven’t posted in a little while because I felt like hell. I still do, but I had to drag my self to the digital dummy machine ( computer ) and post some stuff. First, and VERY seriously – your help is needed badly. Some of y’all might know that my wife and I are pretty involved with the National Mill Dog Rescue. We got our pug Vinny there. Well they have a chance to buy the place they are in, and they are in need of donations. You can read about it here (PDF), or hit their web site – they make it real easy to donate via PayPal. If anything, please spread the word. And yes – the rude evil loudmouth does have a soft spot after all. Let the animal or dog lover you know that they need a hand, please.

So on to other stuff. Some of you may or many not know that I love astronomy. I was hunting and pecking thru google and found a really cool web site called Dirty Skies. Instantly I loved the name, even tho it wasn’t that kind of “dirty”. I actually found a cool little thing on how to convert an iSight to work with my telescope and I plan to whip that up asap and nerd out with my cam, and laptop next starry night, fo’ sho’! On this site tho, Dirty Skies I found a debate about if we landed on the moon or not. There is a wonderful, damn near inspiring point made. Had the moon landings been a hoax, it would of been cheaper to just send people to the moon than to go thru all the trouble of making it a hoax to begin with. That’s awesome, and so damn true! So if course I had to hop into that discussion. If you want, it’s here. In my post I kind of went off topic, and I had to bring it over here. You can read what I said on Dirty Skies but basically,… with all the technology readily and easily available in this day and age, mainly phones with cameras – WHY IS IT THAT WE DON’T HAVE NEARLY AS MANY UFO PICTURES AS WE DID WHEN HARDLY NO ONE HAD A CAMERA?!?!?

See my thing is this. I’m with the thought, that it would be super boss if there was an alien society out there. Given the vast size of the universe and the numbers of galaxies, and the stars within, there HAS to be intelligent life out there. Not so sure I’d lump us in with that group, but there has to be! However. Yes, it’s gonna be one of those comments, when it starts with “however” I’m fixin’ to tell some group of people somewhere that their friggin’ nuts. So,… However – why, WHY FOR THE LOVE OF JEEBUS, would they risk interstellar space, radiation, travel the vast distance of time and space itself, only to get here and do nothing. NOTHING! I look at it this way, if they can do all that – if they don’t pop down here and cure sick children, freakin’ teleport all our weapons and nukes to the surface of the sun, and share with us their knowledge of the universe and help us finally cut the vines of ignorance we obviously got tangled in when our ancestors fell outta the now apparently extinct Common Sense Tree back when we started to evolve. If they won’t do that for us, then what the hell good are they. I say fuck ‘em! “Lookin’ good there Starman, nice UFO – no no, just keep fuckin with us! Don’t bother helpin’ out – lending a hand or anything. No, you just buzz a farmer or that creepy cat lady down the street. Don’t do anything useful, or anything – you green bastard!”

That was me talking to aliens in case you didn’t get it. My main point I left on that other blog was simply that we have so much technology now, I mean we can detect a mouse fart on the moon, if the moon had mice. Well with the cheese and all up there. Ya know? Seriously tho, even in 3rd world countries they have cell phones. Africa has one of the BEST, seriously AMAZING technology infrastructure either in place or going in place as you read this. I have a friend in Ghana who called me one time right after he was chased by a Rhino. He didn’t snap a picture, too busy trying to stay alive. But my point is, c’mon people! Cameras are everywhere, on your phone – in the Wal-Mart parking lot – every city has traffic cams – and not one god damn UFO. Oh sure, you have a small group of morons out there who zoom in so out of focus on Venus, that they actually in fact see their own camera’s iris or shutter and iris’ and shutters just happen to have a geometric shape to them, they scream out “AHHHH HA! PROOF!” noooooo, “AHHHHH HA! Ill informed idiot!”

In the 30’s – 40’s – 50’s and 60’s only a handful of people had camera’s and even less had motion picture film cameras. Yet there was an explosion of UFO’s on film. And all of them different shapes and sizes. I’m thinking, from a interstellar travel point of view. I’m bringing one style, maybe two styles of landing craft. Back in the day, the aliens brought all kinds of shit down here. Also, isn’t it kinda ironic that the cars of the day only got 8 miles to the gallon yet their hub caps could fly millions of miles, hell they could even fly and carry aliens. That was back in the day when Detroit had it going on. See, if they would of kept making cars with UFO hub caps, they wouldn’t go bankrupt!

So I guess you get my point. With all the media, and personal technology we have, we are sure shit out of luck when it comes to proof of UFO’s and aliens. Or have they become camera shy? Scared they’ll end up on reality TV! Or maybe, just maybe, they have a lot of common sense and have better things to do than to help us poison the cosmos with our DNA. I think it’s the latter.

Last thing, and this is really more of a test if anything but – I’m making swag for the site. The li’l green dude with his tongue out is “SICKO” my site logo and mascot and expresses how I feel usually. Since I have been out of work being sick and all, I figured I’d give shameless promotion a shot and try to make a buck off of being sick. If it works, I’ll make more. And so, I present to you. Maxi-Mart

Those of you out there, if the internet is still around, who have been following my health situation know by now to expect the unexpected. Even my doctors know that they have to second guess themselves when it comes to treatments or medication. What works on most, usually kills me dead. Or,…gives me a head ache, or both.

Well, I have had this “THING” on the knuckle bones: The Medial Cuneiform and the First Metatarsal for you doctors or really bored podiatrists playing at home. Dr. Darcy wasn’t too sure what the hell it was and frankly, neither of us ever pass up a chance to dig something funky off or out of my body. Last time I had this dime sized “THING” in my leg. I actually thought it was fragments of a .22 bullet. My friend “The Bean” put a handful of “bullwits” – bullets – in a fire and I got caught with shrapnel ( thanks for that WOO! ) in the leg. So I thought it was an old bullet working its way out, having been in there for ages and possibly covered with “whatever”. Well it turns out it was a lump of freakin’ keratin! That’s the same stuff your fingernails are made of…and I had a dime size chunk of it growing in my calf muscle. Sexy huh?

Ohhhhh well kids, speaking of sexy and with out further “Ahpoo” I present to you a really just funky ass wrong video, shot today ( May 22 2009 ). I mean, it’s just wrong. We still aren’t sure what the hell it is, was – or if it’s all gone. I doubt I’ll do a part two of this tho, if need be. Once is enough, even for me – so that should tell you something about this video!!! So here ya go. The surgical removal of the “THING”




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