The Max Murdok Program

The place where everything that effects me comes from!

After roughly a month & a half – maybe two of steady improvement I find myself right back into hell. Crohn’s reared its ugly head ( or ass as it were ) to remind me who is in charge here. It certainly isn’t me.

While most people have a coffee, grab the newspaper, and head off for their morning constitutional. I head of for my morning hemorrhage. Please, try not to envy me. Ya know, while I am whining like I little bitch – and because even I don’t remember what I babble about on here, I’ve also developed this fancy schmancy vision related migraine thing (Ocular Migraine). It starts like a little area that I can focus on or make out letters this size. It then, over the course of 20 – 30 minutes, the dot spreads until I have no peripheral vision at all.

This is very close to what I see only it takes up to 35 mins to run its course. Sucks right?

You could be standing right next to me and I wouldn’t know it. Really hope this is a med thing but doc’s don’t think so altho granted – they dunno. I think we can all agree to use the word blindness  however when one of these little huckleberries show up. For a graphic/visual guy it’s less than dandy.

Anyway. If there is a hospital stay or emergency of some mind I’ll be sure to pop updates here, or my wife Shels will.

OK People. KEEP THE FILTH!

UPDATE February 28th, 2010 11:16 pm MST: I might as well just dig up an old post n’ paste it here. Woke up Sat morning, started barfin’ my head off – got light headed – got light assed as well ( not a fun trifecta ) Shels called the ambulance yadda yadda yadda I’m in the hospital again. Really, other than that I got nothing to report. Other than so far,… SO far this hospital stay is going better than that last dibacle I had. As always, if anything new pops up ( or out for that matter ) you can count on me to give you TMI. And as always, seriously, thanks guys for the well wishes. Really do mean a lot to me!

UPDATE March 1st, 2010 1:06 pm MST: I actually slept swell, but woke up in more pain today. What sucks is there isn’t anything they can do but try to stabilize me and theres no telling how long that’ll take. Once they do I go home but they can only give me so much junk. Too much and they kill my other hip. By junk I mean Steroids. Side note, next door & up over my room they are doing some kind of construction on the hospital. Drilling. Makes feelin’ like shit that much more enjoyable. Gotta love my luck, aye?

UPDATE March 5th, 2010 5:06 pm MST: I was released from the hospital March 2nd, late afternoon and felt “good”. I took my usual battery of meds in the evening and still felt ok. Before bed I ate a sandwich just to have something in my gut then took the bane of my existence, Prednisone. Sure enough by 7AM the 3rd I was laying on the floor locked in pain, barfin’ my head off and waiting for the ambulance. I was admitted almost right away and now, here I sit once again in Littleton Hospital. No plan, no ideas, I’m just here and not leaving until I can hold down meds. This level of illness & its effects on my really wiped me out. This one was, and kind of still is, BRUTAL. Sorry I haven’t replied to any calls or emails, I will when I don’t sound like a corpse. Actually its hard to talk from all the vomiting. Perfect for LIVER vocals, bad for communication. So thats whats what people. Always a party in Maxiland.

UPDATE March 8th, 2010 6:16 pm MST: I never want to get my hopes up with this crap but here’s the deal so far. First, thanx again for the well wishes. Who ever has the Max VooDoo doll and the grudge, enough is enough aye? I’m eating food finally. After not eating for 5 – 6 days its a welcomed change. Lost a lot of weight. The test now is can I eat and hold down meds. If not, I get to live here at the hospital some more. This episode has lasted 10 days so far. Well over 80 total days in the hospital since getting sick 5 years ago. Really wouldn’t mind going home for a change – that would be swell. Next post will be either good news on my toleration or bad news on how I’ll be stuck here in the hospital probably another week. Thanks for checking in people.

        

Stay "Informed" My Friends!

I have NEVER been one to follow pop culture trends. I don’t “tweet” often, I don’t own a “crackberry” and I’m fairly sure I have never been “Metrosexual”. But some of YOU, jeez! Get with the times! You are sooooo “early 2000’s” Happy New Year,..whatever that means. Odds are it won’t be, but I mean it as satirically serious as possible. You can try right?

I could care less. You don’t care if I care less because you know I’m not being careless. If I was you couldn’t care less anyway! If I didn’t care less & you couldn’t care less then we’d both be careless. That’s the problem! See I care, its just enough to be careful, I don’t know why I’m telling you, you could care less. Or maybe your couldn’t care less. Careless on your part I say. Ehh, I don’t care!

Through most of my life I’ve pondered this question. Spending hours just looking out the window as the rain trickled down on a spring afternoon or as I lie awake in bed staring at the ceiling. As I travelled the highways of this country or when I’d sit on the side of a mountain watching clouds drift by. Why is it possible to have an Uncle Dick but not an Aunt Cunt?

Not that I want to make a habit of this, but next time I see a chance I’m going to try and get arrested. However, I plan to demand a female officer frisk or pat me down because frankly, a guy, cop or not, fondling my happy parts is gay. Thats my plan: Yes officer, ma’am. I have something dangerous in my drawers. Thank you. That? Its a Love Gun. Yes, it’s loaded. Owwww MY EYES!!!!

Ladies. Here is how to anger ANY male. Your dad husband clergymen son brother any normally calm male of our species. Refer to their underwear as “panties”. They’ll say …my, my what? Then correct you. Disregard & continue calling them panties. Its risky. Some will leave in anger, some will protest loudly $ homicide is possible. Ehh, some may say aww you caught me but its a fun torment either way. Good luck!

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Balloon Boy's Dad Makes a Break For It!

In what I personally think is the story of 2009, not because the whole world watched in horror thinking there was a kid in that damn balloon, or worse, fell out – but we got a good ol’ fashion slice of Americana Self Serving Pathetic attempt for 15 minutes of “LAME”. I have to hand it to the guy, he went balls out, full on, hard core to prove to everyone that he ( and a lot of people like him ) know no limits and would stoop to any level to share with us all,…..nothing. No substance – no intelligence – no content, fitting in with most TV shows of the time.

So anyway, I whipped up a swell little Photoshop graphic. I posted it on Facebook but its kind of hard to read. I also submitted it to the Huffington Post. Who knows if they’ll post it. Go ahead and check and throw your homie a vote or something.

And yes, the Balloon Idiots are in fact doing their time in Larimer County Jail. I couldn’t find a photo that worked for me. If you find one, or want to take your own, please send it to me. I have no problem making a part two. I actually thought this family was from Boulder. You know the Boulder City Motto right? Welcome to Boulder Colorado: 22.6 Square Miles Surrounded By Reality! So it was only natural for me to assume. I could be wrong but I believe once you move there they in fact give you a Prius or a Subaru along with a shopping spree at Banana Republic. I dunno, that’s the rumor. Enjoy the Photoshopped idiot.

        

Socially unacceptable and blunt, a collection of Max Murdok holiday observation and commentary. Ho Ho Oy!

He's Mr.Green Christmas

Come down your chimney & stuff your stocking with my candy cane sounds dirty to me. I figured I’d ease you all into my Christmas Blasphemy early with the lame easy stuff. I also hang my Christmas Balls under the Mistletoe, so’s ya’s know’s.

Xmas cards, oh plz! I mean really I’ve lived long enough that I’ve heard all the holiday poems, & hate them. I still don’t understand Frankensense & Mir. Send me a note explaining both, no card just a note. I dont wanna see your kid/dog dressed up in Xmas clothes. AND if I’m going to see you ON CHRISTMAS DAY save the stamp and just tell me Merry This or Happy That in person!

What’s with people going crazy with Xmas lights? Suddenly the street looks like the bad part of Vegas. I walked into my neighbors house looking for the Baccarat table & I got comp’d. Got strange looks from their family when I went to the buffet. How is a long lighted fire hazard extension cord festive? Most people lose their holiday cheer when their home burns down.

We get a tree, kill it, then put it by the window and put lights all over it. WHY? So the other trees in the yard can make fun of it? When I see a bunch of dead trees for sale on the corner it looks like a Little Pine Tree Auschwitz to me.

STOP! The touchy feely sissies are at it again, trying to “mate” Christmas & Chanukah! I find Christ-maka or Chanuk-mas or whatever insulting. How would you like it if people started celebrating Arbor Luther King Day?

Does Santa have some deal with Jesus? Since they share the same holiday did Santa get some of Jesus’ super powers. “He knows if you been bad or good”! I though Jesus did that! Come to think of it Last Good Friday, Jesus got stuck in my chimney. (continue reading…)

        

Social Networking is bigger than you think!

I guess I am kind of a kill-joy. I posted on my Facebook page about how so called “Social Network Games” are EVIL. Why? It’s kind of an underhanded way for creating lead gen, gathering personal info, and in some cases signing you up for shit your never wanted. MOST people are smart enough to catch on but sadly a lot don’t see the insidious side and before they know it they are stuck with something they either didn’t want or didn’t understand what they were getting into. Suddenly they are hit with targeted spam and their information sold. This can appear as untargeted spam ( Viagra, Penis Enlargement and so on ) all from what seemed to be the simple act of playing a online game, buying currency or tokens – whatever. Once your info is out there, once you agree to a so called “trial” or “offer” and they get your info, your hell can begin. One of the chief offenders is Video Professor. You decide. Visit their site, then read this article. For a company that claims to be legit they sure do have to defend themselves a lot. The problem lies with the ill defined term “deceptive practices” ( It hurts your head trying to figure out the term ). From VP’s point of view they state they are transparent. From the consumer’s point of view they are taken advantage of. Common sense would say, due to all the complaints, Video Professor needs to be even more transparent. They remain steadfast because if they were to say “Free Means Getting Our Stuff Will Cost You $290 Bucks” no one would take them up on their offer. So to most, making that fact hard to find, or buried in fine print puts them in a catagory most would consider a scam. A lot of people find their way to sites like Video Professor from so called “free give away” sites and now from social networking sites that offer games. The tactic is not new. I have to stress this again and again, it’s also not a bad practice. It’s when a person is lead down a path that they think is fair only to find out later that they have been dupped or flim-flammed that it becomes a problem. Companies argue that it’s the user’s fault. They argue that they have integrity. They are honest. They are on the level and the user made bad choices. Once a company has to do those things, they might as well admit their error and their poor business practices. Once a potential customer becomes a victim & the “blame” placed with them, the jig is up.

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