The Max Murdok Program

Socially unacceptable and blunt, a collection of Max Murdok holiday observation and commentary. Ho Ho Oy!

He's Mr.Green Christmas

Come down your chimney & stuff your stocking with my candy cane sounds dirty to me. I figured I’d ease you all into my Christmas Blasphemy early with the lame easy stuff. I also hang my Christmas Balls under the Mistletoe, so’s ya’s know’s.

Xmas cards, oh plz! I mean really I’ve lived long enough that I’ve heard all the holiday poems, & hate them. I still don’t understand Frankensense & Mir. Send me a note explaining both, no card just a note. I dont wanna see your kid/dog dressed up in Xmas clothes. AND if I’m going to see you ON CHRISTMAS DAY save the stamp and just tell me Merry This or Happy That in person!

What’s with people going crazy with Xmas lights? Suddenly the street looks like the bad part of Vegas. I walked into my neighbors house looking for the Baccarat table & I got comp’d. Got strange looks from their family when I went to the buffet. How is a long lighted fire hazard extension cord festive? Most people lose their holiday cheer when their home burns down.

We get a tree, kill it, then put it by the window and put lights all over it. WHY? So the other trees in the yard can make fun of it? When I see a bunch of dead trees for sale on the corner it looks like a Little Pine Tree Auschwitz to me.

STOP! The touchy feely sissies are at it again, trying to “mate” Christmas & Chanukah! I find Christ-maka or Chanuk-mas or whatever insulting. How would you like it if people started celebrating Arbor Luther King Day?

Does Santa have some deal with Jesus? Since they share the same holiday did Santa get some of Jesus’ super powers. “He knows if you been bad or good”! I though Jesus did that! Come to think of it Last Good Friday, Jesus got stuck in my chimney.
A grown man, in a red and green sweater with an elf, reindeer or some thing on it that lights up will have the shit beat out of him on any other day but Xmas. Actually, he’s still taking his chances on Xmas too.

When I was a kid, I really thought the elves were lazy bastards. Instead of building the toys I had on my list they just went and bought the crap at Sears. You know what else I thought? That the North Pole was in China. Everything was made there. HO HO 购买

Christmas is the only time of the year I actually side with Christianity. Not for the whole Jesus part, but to be a Thug for them. Happy Holidays: fruity watered down non-specific holiday saying because we don’t want to offend anyone who doesn’t celebrate Xmas. Fuck ‘em. I do! Deal with it or I’ll stomp your guts out! There! Merry god damn Christmas!

I came down very early from bed on Christmas morning and saw Santa putting toys under the tree. I’m no fool so I said, “Hey are you really my dad?” Santa turned and said “Go back to bed kid, you’re adopted; there’s no such thing as your dad!”

T’was the night before Xmas and all thru the house were a bunch of freaking credit card receipts and a lot of empty xanax, valium & booze bottles surrounded by tear stained hankies.

I was a misplaced Jew. Adopted by gentiles I did the Xmas thing. I always wanted to do the Chanukah thing. A Jewish friend got a Spiderman yarmulke that looked like Spiderman was humpin’ his head. Another got one that was a turtle shell pattern. He looked like teen age Bam Bam from the Flintstone. Ha, the Flintsteins!

My fondest holiday memory. Xmas day, late afternoon, the smell of dinner cooking, wrapping paper & toys all over the floor & still being in my PJ’s & snuggling with my parents who they themselves were snuggling on the couch. Ok I’m full of crap – thats not my memory – I saw it in a movie but I’m still pretty fond of that scene at least.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Xmas. Miserable shoppers, cheap junk for sale as gifts, Medicated kids on a repeat offenders lap @ the mall, Xmas lights that have been up all year turned on, road rage over parking spots, & piss on Earth Bad will towards everyone. Don’t shoot the messenger, you know it’s true.

Dear Santa. I know you won’t bring me anything because you heard I’m Jewish. I think this makes you a racist anti-semite son of a bitch. As a matter of fact you aren’t welcome here anyway until the North Pole recognizes Israel. How do you like that? Oh and good luck keeping the elves and the toy factory above water, Global warming is coming fatass!

Even tho they don’t believe in Jesus, or rational thought, Scientologist do celebrate Xmas. You can get a $2000 set of comic books ( their hand books ) or a $5000 E-meter. Both a MUST for a lunatic on your Xmas list! Be sure to check all the images… Have a Clickaroonie here.

Anyone who got injured, crushed, or facilitated the demise or damage of another human being just to save a few bucks on some shoddy hunk of crap made in China on Black Friday all got exactly what they deserved. Proof of their low intelligence, less money for important things, emotional & physical scars and a shoddy hunk of crap made in China. Happy Holidays!

James Lord Pierpont’s song “Jingle Bells” was changed from it’s original form as a dirty limerick/rap in 1857 to the song we know today. Originally its was  Dashing from the cops in Nantucket – Not catchin dis sleigh they can suck it! – I said to my ho – bitch get up n’ go – Then put bells on bobtail aww fuck it! Hey it was news to me too. ♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫!!!

People say around the holidays that they’d like to give something back. What? What the hell did you take? What if you give it back to the wrong guy? I know I don’t have anything to give back, I didn’t take anything! I was home all night. But since you’re giving, I’ll take it!

When did Kwanzaa sneak in there? I grew up in the inner city of Philadelphia and none of my black friends celebrated it. Of course, none of my friends were radical black nationals. When I first heard of Kwanzaa I thought it was a Korean martial art form or something Ikea sold.

Happy New Years! You wanna have a good time, go to Times Square. Nothing beats having thousands of strangers invade your personal space, freezing your nuts off, in the midst of the stench of urine, get pick pocketed or peed on and then realize your balls have frozen and dropped off long before the “BALL” drops. Your resolution, never go to Time Square again!

How long is too long to wish people a happy new year. I say August.

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