ADAM SMASH
©1999 No part of this script may be used or
Reproduced in any form without permission
in writing from the creators
The screenplay by
Max Murdok
Claudio Von Statzell
Dave Roberts
-----------------------------------------------------
FADE IN:
MEDIA HYPE CREATIVE. LOGO:
COURT HOUSE PICTURES
LOGO FADES OUT:
1 EXT. FARMLAND/TWO LANE ROAD--MID WEST--DAY
A low rumble builds to a thunderous roar ( TITLES AND MUSIC BEGINS). Through
the distorted ripples from the heat of the road a machine appears. It's a combine
tractor moving slowly as it tears up the road behind it. Camera booms up to reveal
miles and miles of traffic stuck behind the tractor. They weave around the broken
road. The line of vehicles seems to go on forever
Music:
LIVER "SMASH, SMASH, SMASH"
TITLE: a Max Murdok film
TITLE: CAST & PRODUCTION STAFF
CUT TO:
TITLE: ADAM SMASH
2 EXT. SMALL TOWN--MID WEST--DAY
ADAM SMASH steps from the tractor. He looks around the town, which consists of
just several old buildings. He is wearing overalls, a beat up straw hat and boots.
Under the straps of the overalls, he sports T-shirt tan lines and is soaking wet
with sweat. He removes the headphones of his walk-man, which was blasting the
"Human League". A horse takes a shit just behind him.
2 EXT. SMALL TOWN--MID WEST--DAY (cont.)
ADAM SMASH
(sniffs the air) Ahhhhhhh, I love the smell
of the big city.
ADAM walks down the street. As he passes by several buildings beautiful
woman rush to the windows.
3 INT. DINER--DAY
TWO WOMEN sit at a booth talking as ADAM strolls by a window, picking at
the seat of his overalls.
WOMAN ONE
…he sits on the couch smokin', belchin' and
watching TV all damn day while I break my…
WOMAN TWO
(pointing) Look! Look!
4 EXT. DINER--DAY
The TWO WOMAN look out the window admiring ADAM. ONE WOMAN taps the glass
of the window and they both wave to him. ADAM still picking at his rear
end turns his head, stops picking and waves. He then looks at the hand he was
using curiously.
5 INT. BEAUTY SALON--DAY
A BEAUTICIAN is working on an OLD LADYS' hair as ADAM walks by the
Beauty Shop. She lops off a large chunk of hair from the old woman's head
but doesn't realize. She walks towards the window, taps it and waves. ADAM
who is now sniffing his finger, quickly pretends that he intended to tip his hat
to the lady. He smiles and waves back.
BEAUTICIAN
(sighs) Now there goes a real man.
OLD LADY
Yer' damn tootin' I wouldn't mind knockin'
boots with him. I'd let him wear me like
a god damn feed bag.
6 INT. AUTO REPAIR SHOP--DAY
A muscular mechanic slides out from under a beat up old truck and watches
ADAM as he walks by. The mechanic rest his cheek on his closed hand, sniffs
a daisy, rolls his eyes and sighs.
7 EXT. DRESS SHOP--DAY
ADAM stands at the door of the yarn store and notices the his fly is down.
One the other side of the door stand two woman who begin to giggle as they
watch him button up. He doesn't see them.
8 INT. DRESS SHOP--DAY
As ADAM enters the store GINGER runs to the dressing rooms. PEGGY SUE greets
him as he enters.
8 INT. DRESS SHOP--DAY (cont.)
PEGGY SUE
Hi Adam
ADAM
Hello Peggy Sue
ADAM walks past PEGGY SUE and approaches the counter where MRS. PEGGY SUE'S
MOM is working.
ADAM
Hello there Mrs. Peggy Sue's Mom.
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM
Hello ADAM, Granny outta yarn again?
ADAM
Um,…what?
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM
I said, ya here to get some yarn?
ADAM
Um,…yeah.
There is a long pause as both nod.
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM
Well, what colors?
ADAM
What? Oh yeah. You know Granny, those
gaudy back east sissy colors.
PEGGY SUE
You mean teal, plum and peach, Adam?
ADAM
Yeah, and the kind with the little sparkles.
And I'll take this cute iron on piggy.
There is another long pause as PEGGY SUE and her mom exchange glances.
PEGGY SUE
I'll see what we have in the back. How much
do you need?
ADAM
Um,…what?
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM
( loud ) Is one roll of each ok?
8 INT. DRESS SHOP--DAY (cont.)
ADAM
Yeah.
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM
I'll go help Peggy Sue.
8 INT. DRESS SHOP--DAY
GINGER steps out of the dressing room wearing a see through teddy. ADAM
turns and looks in her direction unaffected. GINGER models for him and
smiles seductively.
GINGER
So, Adam. What do you think?
ADAM
I like what you did with your hair.
GINGER
No silly, I mean this.
ADAM
Oh, that. Well don't worry, that cold sore
will go away.
GINGER saunters over towards ADAM.
GINGER
You know Adam, I could make you a happy man.
8 INT. DRESS SHOP/DOORWAY TO BACK ROOM--DAY
PEGGY SUE comes out holding several colors of year and sees GINGER and gets angry.
8 INT. DRESS SHOP--DAY
ADAM
Do I look sad or something?
PEGGY SUE rushes towards GINGER
PEGGY SUE
YOU BITCH!!!
A fistfight ensues between PEGGY SUE and GINGER. ADAM approaches the counter as
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM returns. She notices the fight.
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM
Now you two girls cut that out! That will be $5.00
Adam.
The women continue fighting.
ADAM
Well Mrs. Peggy Sue's Mom, I only have $3.00 on me…
But I gots me some nice egg layin' hens in the tractor.
8 INT. DRESS SHOP--DAY (cont.)
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM
No, $3.00 is fine.
The two woman knock over a display and several dress racks.
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM
GIRLS! PLEASE! Compose yourselves! Y'all know better
Than to cat fight when there's a customer.
The two women stop fighting.
PEGGY SUE
Ginger started it!
ADAM
Thank you very kindly Mrs. Peggy Sue's Mom.
MRS. PEGGY SUE'S MOM
Adam,… my last name is Smith. It's pretty common. What
is so hard about remembering the word Smith? It's an easy
word.
ADAM
I'll remember next time Mrs. Peggy Sue's Mom. Bye.
ADAM picks up the yarn and walks past the two women. They are battered
and bruised and their clothing is torn. They smile admiringly at ADAM.
ADAM
Welp, bye Peggy Sue,…bye Ginger. That is a very nice
dress you have on. Nice and airy in this hot weather.
ADAM walks out the front door of the dress shop. GINGER watches and smiles.
PEGGY SUE is furious. GINGER turns to PEGGY SUE and sticks her tongue out at her.
9 EXT. DRESS SHOP--DAY
ADAM walks away from the dress shop. A loud punch is HEARD. The front window
of the dress shop explodes as GINGER flies through it and lands on the ground.
ADAM is unaffected by this. He is wearing his Walkman again and singing
the words to "Fascination".
10 EXT. SMASH RESIDENCE--LATE AFTERNOON
ADAM driving the combine pulls into the driveway of his house. Furious
drivers behind him honk their horns as they finally pass him.
11 EXT. FRONT PORCH-- LATE AFTERNOON
ADAM walks up carrying the yarn and approaches GRANNY, a frail short
elderly woman. She sits on a rocking chair on the porch knitting. Beside
her on the railing is a dead cat.
ADAM
Hi Granny, I'm home.
11 EXT. FRONT PORCH-- LATE AFTERNOON (cont.)
GRANNY
No Shit? Did ya bring the goods?
ADAM
Nope, but I got you some yarn.
GRANNY
Yeah, yeah, yeah, hand it over smartass.
GRANNY farts as ADAM hands her the yarn. GRANNY blames the dead cat.
GRANNY
Well god damn Mr. Bubbles what did you eat?
Adam, look what Granny made you.
As GRANNY shifts her weight to hold up the sweater, the rocking chair breaks
and she falls to the floor.
GRANNY
Jesus H. Christ, I did it again. Be a sweat
heart and get your Granny another chair.
GRANNY gets up and brushes herself off. She picks up the pieces and hurls
them over the railing. The pieces fall into a large pile of broken rocking
chairs. ADAM drags a new chair from a collection of rocking chairs on the
other side of the porch. GRANNY hands him a sweater and sits down.
GRANNY
Go on, try it on baby.
ADAM
Aw, Granny.
ADAM takes the obviously small sweater and struggles to put it on.
ADAM
Fits like a glove, Granny.
GRANNY
And you look so darling in it. ( FARTS )
MR. BUBBLES! Bad kitty.
Fly buzz around a motionless dead cat that is crawling with maggots.
12 INT. LIVING ROOM-- LATE AFTERNOON
ADAM enters the living room. Outside is heard a loud crash followed by GRANNY'S VOICE
GRANNY (v.o)
JESUS H. CHRIST!
12 INT. LIVING ROOM-- LATE AFTERNOON (cont.)
HARVEY SMASH (Adam's Dad) sits in a large living room cleaning a gun.
He is wearing a full dress Marine uniform without the pants. Instead he wears
boxer shorts, cowboy boots, and a beat up CAT tractor baseball cap. Surrounding
HARVEY are various guns, bullets, hand grenades, and knives. Slowly he glares up
at ADAM. A bead of sweat rolls down ADAM's temple.
There is a long pause.
HARVEY
HEY!
ADAM stands motionless.
HARVEY
There's my boy! Come over here and give
Daddy a big ol' hug!
ADAM walks to his dad and the two embrace. His Father begins to weep.
HARVEY
God Damn I missed ya boy!
ADAM
Um, I've only been gone for two hours sir.
HARVEY
Well, that’s two hours too many. It felt like
an eternity. You look good son.
ADAM
Thanks sir. Where's Mommy sir?
HARVEY
Out back, fixin' the junker. Maybe you
should give her a hand.
ADAM
Yes sir
ADAM turns to leave.
HARVEY
Ah-hem!
ADAM salutes and his dad exchange salutes.
HARVEY
Sure is good to see you again son.
13 EXT. BARN-- LATE AFTERNOON
ESTHER SMASH carries a engine block from the barn. She tucks it under
one arm to wave to ADAM. She is a common looking woman wearing a dress and apron
with grease stains on it.
13 EXT. BARN-- LATE AFTERNOON (cont.)
ADAM
Ya need a hand there Mommy?
ESTHER
Oh heavens no. Just puttin' this in an
oil bath before I fix dinner.
ADAM
Ok
ESTHER
I could use your help siphoning out the
old chemicals so I can do some crop dusting
tomorrow.
14 INT. BARN-- LATE AFTERNOON
ADAM opens the door of the barn to reveal a vintage WWII German JU-88 with
the Nazi insignia still intact.
(DISSOLVE TO)
15 INT. KITCHEN-- EVENING
The SMASH family enjoys dinner. Shot of GRANNY eating peas with a knife.
Suddenly and without warning her chair breaks and she disappears from sight.
GRANNY (out of sight)
JESUS H. CHRIST!
ESTHER
Mother? More Beans?
GRANNY (still out of sight)
Yes please. Thank you.
HARVEY
Son, get your Granny another chair.
ADAM leaves to get another chair. GRANNY reaches up from below the table for the
beans and spills them.
GRANNY
Jesus H. Christ!
ADAM returns with the chair and helps GRANNY up. She is covered in baked beans.
She brushes the beans out of her hair and onto her plate.
ESTHER
Oh Adam, Mr. MacFearsin wanted you
stop by and see his latest invention.
ADAM
Great. I can go in the morning.
15 INT. KITCHEN-- EVENING (cont.)
HARVEY
You're staying the night aren't you?
ADAM
Yes sir. I live here sir.
ESTHER
I'll go with you Adam. I finished fixin'
Harriet's refrigerator. I might as well
bring it back.
HARVEY
Wonderful, we could all go
and make a family trip out of
it.
GRANNY
Not me, I got too much work to
do on them god damn sweaters. (FARTS)
GRANNY glances down to a pillow where the dead cat is. It's covered in baked beans.
GRANNY
I think somebody has had enough
beans, don't you Mr. Bubbles?
GRANNY begins to pick beans and maggots off of the dead cat and puts them
on her plate.
HARVEY
Well if you are gonna stay home
alone, I'll leave a loaded .357
by your rocking chair. Can't be too
safe ya know.
GRANNY
Don't worry about me, worry about
them two horny monkey sexual pre-verts.
The MacFearsin kids hump each other like
its gonna be outlawed,…which it is!
ESTHER
Now mother, they're just kids!
GRANNY
I just don't think…
Suddenly GRANNY'S chair breaks and she disappears from view again.
GRANNY
(pauses) JESUS H. CHRIST!
ADAM
I'll get another chair.
16 INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT/CHICAGO--NIGHT
Two men sit having dinner. VITO is a well dressed, muscular dumb looking
guy and BILL is short and wears bad suits.
BILL
So I don't get it.
VITO
What?
BILL
Why did he do it?
VITO
Why did who do what, what the fuck are you
talking about?
BILL
The boss, moron, why did he change his name?
VITO
To take the heat off, the Fed's are always
breakin' his balls. It's a figgin' curse
having a guinea name any more.
BILL
But why the fuck did he pick Donald Dunn?
VITO
What do you care, fuckin' eat would ya?
BILL
Alright, alright,..I just feel like an
idiot when I gotta say his name.
VITO
You look like an idiot too.
BILL
What was wrong with keeping Dominic?
VITO
He did keep Dominic. Just added Donald.
BILL
So are we supposed to combine 'em all now?
VITO
What? Don Dom Don Dunn? Yeah, it has a nice ring.
Why don't you shut the fuck up and eat. I hate
whackin' a guy on an empty stomach.
BILL
Hey big mouth, why don't you tell everybody
why we're in Chicago?
16 INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT/CHICAGO--NIGHT (cont.)
The two resume eating.
BILL
Cheap bastard. Could have at least flown us
out here.
VITO
Now what the fuck are you talkin' about?
BILL
Dumb Don Dick Dumb Dummy.
VITO
You can't even say Don Dom Don Dunn can you?
BILL
I don't wanna.
VITO
I think it was a relaxing drive.
BILL
That's cause I did all the drivin'.
VITO
Yeah I know, Shut up and eat will ya?
VITO's cellular phone rings. He reaches inside his suit coat and pulls out
a gun. He flips open the stock and pulls an antenna out of the barrel.
VITO (on the phone)
Yeah? What? I'm eatin' ya moron. What?
BILL (nervous)
Holy mother of Jesus, what are you doing?
Put your friggin' piece away.
VITO
Hold on a second.
VITO (to Bill)
I'm tryin' to talk here, you mind. It's a phone.
Kids got it for me, for Christmas. Neato huh? Here,
I'm gonna whack ya.
Points the gun/phone at BILL who nervously shifts around in his seat. VITO laughs
at him.
VITO (on phone)
Ok Ma, I'm back. What the fuck were you saying?
No shit? Yeah. Yeah. I said yeah. Un fuckin' believable!
OK,…yeah. Yeah he's here.
16 INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT/CHICAGO--NIGHT (cont.)
BILL
Who me?
VITO
Yeah, I'll tell 'em. Ma, I have to bring
him back.
BILL
Who me?
VITO
I'm on the fuckin' phone here juicy lips,…no
not you Ma. Besides, he's drivin'. Mind your
fuckin' business. I love you too. Yeah, bye.
VITO makes another gesture with the phone/gun and startles BILL. VITO
puts the gun away and returns to his meal.
BILL
So? So?
VITO
So what? Oh, yeah. Ma loves you too.
BILL
No you fuckin' grease ball, what did she want?
VITO
It's off.
BILL
Just like that, huh?
VITO
Yeah like that. You gonna eat that?
BILL
We drive all the way out here…
VITO
You drive all the way out here.
BILL
…just to have fucking dinner?
VITO
If you shut up two seconds and eat
you might think it's worth it.
BILL
You ain't pissed?
VITO (points)
Look. See those two guys over there?
16 INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT/CHICAGO--NIGHT (cont)
BILL
Yeah, so fuckin' what?
Bill looks over and sees two black federal agents wearing jackets with
yellow letting spelling out F.B.I.
VITO
How much you wanna bet they ain't Italian.
Someone tipped them off. So the hit's off.
BILL
Oh shit. What are we gonna do? (pauses)
I got it, we'll shoot our way out. No, No
We'll take hostages. Maybe we can get out
a bathroom window! Maybe…
VITO
Maybe you pick up the check and we walk
out the fuckin' front door. What do you
think this is a gangster movie, you worry
too fuckin' much.
BILL
We never do any of my plans.
VITO
That's cuz they're usually fuckin' stupid.
Bill motions with his fingers, then frustrate he bites his lip. He mumbles
briefly under his breath. Vito gulps a glass of wine and pats his lips. Bill
cups his hands over his face.
VITO
You should be ashamed of yourself, wasting
a delicious meal like that. C'mon, lets go.
Vito gets up and walks from the table. Several seconds go by before Bill
realizes he's sitting alone. He looks left and right quickly, then gets
up and walks out of view. He returns quickly to leave a tip.
16 INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT--NIGHT
The two FBI agents watch Bill and Vito pay and then leave the restaurant.
The first FBI agent DAMON RAYMOND taps the second agent OTTO JACKSON on
the shoulder.
RAYMOND
Hey, hey, hey,…they're making their move.
JACKSON
What,…yeah ok. Hang on a second, this is
good.
16 INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT--NIGHT (cont.)
RAYMOND
How can you think of food when we are on a
case man?
JACKSON
Because I was hungry and this is good.
RAYMOND
Just fill your face and let's go.
17 EXT. CHICAGO CITY LIMITS/STREET--NIGHT
Montage of shots of two cars driving.
18 INT. GANGSTER CAR--NIGHT
BILL
So if the hits off, why are we being tailed?
VITO
We aren't.
BILL
Look back there, tell me if you see 'em.
VITO makes a half hearted attempt and doesn't really look.
VITO
No, nothin'. I got gas. Find a bathroom.
BILL
Bullshit, they're back there. And where
the fuck am I gonna find a bathroom?
19 INT. FBI AGENTS CAR--NIGHT
RAYMOND
So why are they leaving Chicago? I thought
the hit was going down here.
JACKSON
I dunno.
RAYMOND
I should call this in, huh?
JACKSON
Yeah, go ahead. And find a bathroom too.
That da-go food tore me up man.
20 INT. GANGSTERS CAR--NIGHT
BILL
I'm trying to drive here, roll down a
fuckin' window.
VITO
I told you to find me a shitter.
BILL
(YELLING) I'm trying to lose the FED's,
I can't just pull over so you can kick
a grunt!
VITO
(YELLING) We ain't fuckin' done nothin'
jackass. Ya paranoid fuck. Pull over and
I'll take a shit right in your fuckin' hat!
21 INT. FBI AGENTS CAR--NIGHT
JACKSON
C'mon man, My ass ain't proud. Pull over
anywhere. I gotta go.
RAYMOND
Damn it Otto, I can't lose these guys just
cause you gotta take a shit. How would that
look on a report.
JACKSON (in pain)
It's gonna look brown if you don't pull over.
22 EXT. STREET INTERSECTION--NIGHT
The gangster's car runs a red light. A local police car sees them and turns
on it's light to pursue them.
23 INT. FBI AGENTS CAR--NIGHT
RAYMOND
Oh shit,…where did that black and white come from.
I better pull back.
JACKSON
Good, buy me some time. Unless you rather me hang
ass out the god damn door.
Raymond pulls the car off to the side of the road.
RAYMOND
Damn, now that’s nasty. You just nasty.
A nasty, nasty man. Hurry up, go shit.
(to himself) I bet this ain't in no manual.
24 INT. GANGSTERS CAR--NIGHT
BILL
Alright! Next fuckin' run down piece of
shit gas station I see I'll stop. I pray
to Jesus the can is filthy and you get herpes
from the goddamn seat. (notices the cop)
BILL
Holy fuckin' virgin mother, the fuckin' cops!
VITO
Just pull the fuck over, this'll take two seconds.
He'll write us a ticket, then we'll fuckin go.
BILL
(YELLING) What about the fuckin' guns ya moron?
VITO
I didn't bring mines.
BILL
(YELLING) WHAT!!! You where gonna make me do the hit?
VITO
(CHUCKLES) …yeah.
BILL
(PUNCHING AT VITO) Why you cock sucker…I gotta drive
all the way out here, and do the hit you lazy bastard!
What the fuck are you here for?
VITO
Calm down. I paid for fuckin' dinner.
BILL
(PAUSES) NO YOU DIDN'T!
25 EXT. STREET--NIGHT
Police car pulls up behind the gangster's car. A state trooper exits.
26 INT. FBI AGENTS CAR--NIGHT
RAYMOND sits watching the policeman inspect the gangster's car. JACKSON
leans in the window.
JACKSON
Hey, give me a napkin.
RAYMOND
Give you a what? We ain't got no napkins.
JACKSON
Well give me a sock then.
26 INT. FBI AGENTS CAR--NIGHT (cont.)
RAYMOND
A what??? Damn, you are NASTY! Use your own
damn sock!
JACKSON
I did, both of them! And my draws too!
RAYMOND
I'll pop the trunk, see if there's a
parachute back there for your fat nasty
ass.
27 EXT. STREET--NIGHT
TROOPER
Driver. Turn off the vehicle and exit slowly.
Bill shuts off the car and exits.
BILL
Ok, ok. Is there a problem officer?
TROOPER
Passenger, step out slowly from the vehicle.
Keep your hands where I can see them.
BILL
(To Vito) That's you retard.
The two gangsters stand next to their car.
TROOPER
Now step to the back of the vehicle.
The two gangsters comply. The trooper walks up behind them.
VITO
Ya wanna speed this up Barney, I gotta take
a goddamn shit.
BILL
Oh that’s nice, why don't you make matters
worse, big mouth.
VITO
What, I'm just saying…
TROOPER
Did you see that red light back there?
BILL
What? Oh yeah, that red light,…yeah,..I mean no.
27 EXT. STREET--NIGHT (cont.)
VITO
Yeah ya did. Remember, I was gonna take a
shit in your hat…
BILL
Oh will you shut the fuck up!
Vito's phone begins to ring. Bill gets very nervous.
VITO
Hang on a second there Sheriff Lobo, this'll
just take a second.
TROOPER
Sir, please take your hand out of your jacket!
VITO
(YELLING) Two seconds, huh! Might be my
mother.
BILL
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
Vito pulls the gun/phone out of his pocket. The Trooper takes a step back and
nervously draws his gun and points it at Vito.
TROOPER
Drop the weapon, DROP THE WEAPON!
VITO
(LAUGHING) Whoa cowboy! It's a phone.
Smith and Wesson's don't fuckin' ring!
TROOPER
(YELLING) I SAID DROP THE GUN!
Vito begins pulling on the antenna to show the trooper.
VITO
(LAUGHING) See? My fuckin' kids got me
this for Christmas. Neato huh? Look,..I'm
shootin' ya! HAHAHAHA.
The trooper fires one shot into Vito's leg. Vito falls to the ground.
28 INT. FBI AGENTS CAR--NIGHT
RAYMOND spits out coffee when the trooper's gun goes off.
RAYMOND
Jackson, get the fuck in here!
JACKSON
Hang on. Who's shooting?
RAYMOND
Drag your stank ass in the car!
29 EXT. STREET/BEHIND GANGSTERS CAR--NIGHT
VITO
Hey. What the fuck did you do that for.
Ain't you got a sense of humor? Hey, you
fuckin' shot me.
TROOPER
PLACE THE GUN ON THE GROUND, NOW!
VITO
(YELLING) IT'S A FUCKIN' PHONE, DOUCHE BAG!
There is a shot and the trooper falls to the ground dead. Bill stand next to
the car stunned, holding a smoking gun.
VITO
Oh. Damn. Shit. Why the fuck did you do that?
BILL
You gotta ask?
VITO
What? He just didn't get the gag.
BILL
Get in the fuckin' car.
VITO
Hey, I think you killed the cocksucker.
BILL
(YELLING) WILL YOU GET IN THE FUCKIN' CAR!
VITO
One shot, right in the temple. Good one!
BILL
Please get in the FUCKIN' CAR!
VITO
How's about a hand here. My leg hurts.
That fuckin bastard shot me, remember?
30 INT. FBI AGENTS CAR--NIGHT
Jackson enters the car. They begin to follow the gangsters.
RAYMOND
They just shot that trooper. Radio that in.
JACKSON
Oh fuck. ( on radio ) Central 12 this is Alpha
Team, we got a Trooper down, mile marker 37.
Requesting backup and send an ambulance.
RAYMOND
(SNIFFING) Man, what did you eat.
31 INT. GANGSTERS CAR--NIGHT
BILL
There's another one behind us.
VITO
Don't worry about it, Gimme your piece.
BILL
Haven't you done enough already?
VITO
Hey fuck face, if I'm not mistakin', your
the genius that whacked a cop!
Bill grabs Vito's gun/phone and attempts to throw it out the window, but the window
is up. The gun/phone bounces into the back seat.
VITO
What was that? You were going to throw my
phone out the window weren't you? My kids
got me that. That was not a very nice thing
to do. You are getting a very bad attitude,
you.
32 EXT. COUNTRY ROAD--NIGHT
A car chase between the FBI and the gangsters continues.
33 INT. GANGSTERS CAR--NIGHT
VITO takes Bill's gun.
VITO
I still gotta take a goddamn shit. Here,
I'll fix this.
Vito fires a single shot.
32 EXT. COUNTRY ROAD--NIGHT
The front tire of the FBI agent's car explodes. The car weaves back and
forth then it goes of the road. It flips over and over. Parts of the car
begin flying off. It finally comes to rest. As the dust clears only the frame,
running engine and the two agents strapped to their seats are left.
The two agents are unhurt and sit motionless in their seats.
RAYMOND
You hurt?
JACKSON
…no, you?
RAYMOND
I,…I don't think so.
JACKSON
That was pretty lucky.
The remains of the car explode.
33 EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE--MORNING
A roster is heard crowing in the distance as the sun rises over the horizon.
A large crash is hear coming from within the house. GRANNY is heard.
GRANNY (v.o.)
Jesus H. Christ!
HAVREY (v.o.)
GRANNYS' up, ADAM get another bed.
34 INT. LIVING ROOM--MORNING
Harvey Smash stands by the front door in camouflage with many guns strapped on.
Esther Smash comes from the kitchen with a refrigerator tied to her back.
Adam walks down the stairs.
ESTHER
HARVEY JINGLEBELLS SMASH, you are not taking all
those guns with you!
Harvey reluctantly removes a very small gun from his pocket and
places it on a table.
ADAM
Morning Mommy, Morning sir.
35 EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE--MORNING
The Smash family prepares for a long trip. However they are just crossing the street.
Camera reveals the MacFearsin mail box only a few feet away. ESTHER carries
the refrigerator on her back, HARVEY runs back and forth across the dirt
road leading to the McFearsin house. He dives and rolls on the ground and
points his weapons wildly. ADAM brings up the rear.
36 EXT. MACFEARSIN'S PORCH--MORNING
The two MacFearsin kids are making out on a porch swing as the Smashs' approach.
TAMMY MACFEARSIN looks out of one eye at the Smashs' and JUSTIN MACFEARSIN makes
a grunt.
36 EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE--MORNING (cont.)
ESTHER
Mornin' kids, your folks home?
There is no reply. The two kids continue making out. ADAM and HARVEY stare at them.
HARVEY
Damn, looks like too Octopussies havin'
a wrestlin' match.
REV.LANNY MACFEARSIN walks around the side of the house carrying a beer. He wears
his collar over a stained tank top. He hasn't been a preacher for several years
since the onset of turrets syndrome.
LANNY
Mornin' y'all. Fine mother fuckin day ain't
it? Praise Jesus. Tits, tits, tits!!!
LANNY notices his two kids making out on the porch and grabs a hose.
He turns the water on and points the hose at them.
LANNY
I thought I told you to do that in the
basement. Dick head, shit hole, now go on…
get!
LANNY squirts the two kids with the hose but they are unaffected by this.
LANNY smiles at the Smashs' and throws his empty beer can to the ground.
He reaches into his back pocket for another beer and places the running hose
between his legs. He pops the top of the can and begins to drink, giving
the illusion that the beer is coming out as fast as its going in. This
momentarily stuns ADAM. He lowers the beer and looks at ADAM.
LANNY
(belches) Well, come on out back and let
me show you the bitch, shit, piss invention
I made.
ESTHER
Is the wife inside? I have your refrigerator.
LANNY
Yep, she's in the fuck, fuck, fuckin' kitchen.
ESTHER
OK, I'll find her.
ESTHER walks up the steps of the porch banging the refrigerator on the
ceiling and scraping it along the floor. She smashes the door way too as she
struggles to get it inside the house.
37 EXT. MACFEARSIN'S BARN--MORNING
A large object is covered with a tarp. LANNY stands proudly in front of
it. As he is about to explain to ADAM what's under the tarp a gunshot is heard.
Both men turn to the direction of the sound. A single chicken runs by in the distance,
followed by a gun totting HARVEY who is chasing it. There is another shot.
LANNY
Guess you're curious as to what's under this
here tarp huh?
ADAM
If you say so Mr.Rev. MacFearsin.
LANNY
I damn well do fuckin' say so!
He removes the tarp to reveal a large square cannon.
LANNY
I present to you, you fuckin' asshole,
The Bitch Fuck Bail Launcher Two Fuckin'
Thousand!
ADAM
WOW! So how does the Bitch Fuck Bail
Launcher Two Fuckin' Thousand work?
LANNY
Watch your mouth son, I'm a fuckin'
man of god you know…dickhead.
Another gunshot is heard in the distance.
LANNY
Welp, ya get kinda fricken' tired draggin'
bails of mother fuckin' hay out to the
horses. Prick. So this here does it for me.
Allow me to fuckin' demonstrate..
LANNY loads the cannon with a bail of hay. He steps behind it and cranks
up a huge cross-hair sight. He positions it then pulls a cable and it fires.
A large bail of hay flies through the air finally striking a horse, knocking it down.
LANNY
Pretty goddamn ingenious, don't ya think?
Fuck face.
37 EXT. MACFEARSIN'S BARN--MORNING (cont.)
ADAM
It's swell. Hey, c'mon Sir, we're going.
A chicken runs from the open door of the barn. The hayloft doors
fly open as HARVEY swings out on a rope, firing an automatic weapon at the chicken.
ADAM
Nice shot sir.
38 EXT. FRONT PORCH/SMASH HOUSE--MORNING
GRANNY sits on a pile of rocking chair remains as PEGGY SUE helps her up.
PEGGY SUE notices ADAM and releases her grip on GRANNY and she
falls back into the pile.
GRANNY
Jesus H. Christ!
PEGGY SUE grabs an apple pie off the railing and runs to greet ADAM. HARVEY
runs past her.
HARVEY
Gotta go clean my guns!
PEGGY SUE
Hi Mr. Smash. (quickly)
ESTHER
Why hello Peggy Sue. And look, she has
a pie Adam. I think Peggy Sue wants you
to get in her pants.
PEGGY SUE
Mrs. Smash! (REAL EMBARASSED)
ADAM
I doubt we'd both fit.
ESTHER
Now Peggy Sue, I was young and horny
once too. I had to fly the ol' junker
straight into the heart of downtown Saigon,
kill over 200 dinks and rescue Mr. Smash
from a prison camp just to get a push in the
bush. (Makes a thrusting motion) So I know
where you're coming from.
Peggy Sue looks down at the apple pie as Esther walks away.
38 EXT. FRONT PORCH/SMASH HOUSE--MORNING (cont.)
PEGGY SUE
So, um,…Adam. Would you like a piece. Of my
pie that is. The Apple pie I mean.
A chair is heard breaking in the distance.
GRANNY (v.o.)
Jesus H. Christ!
39 INT. GANGSTER'S CAR--MORNING
BILL and VITO have been driving all night.
BILL
This place is gonna be crawling with cops
and Fed's soon, we gotta ditch the car and lay
low.
VITO
Yeah, pull over to that house over there.
I gotta take a shit!
BILL
How's your leg?
VITO
Ahhh, I'm not talkin' to you. I'm mad at you.
BILL
You're what? What the fuck are you mad at
me for?
VITO
Because you had an unhappy childhood.
BILL
How the fuck can I argue with you if I
have no idea what the fuck you're talkin'
about.
VITO
I think you have an extra chromosome.
BILL
I think you lost a lot of blood or something.
You ain't makin' sense.
VITO
I was just grazed, no biggie. And you know
damn well what I'm talkin' about.
39 INT. GANGSTER'S CAR--MORNING
BILL
I have no idea what you are talkin' about.
VITO
Yes you do.
BILL
No I don't
VITO
Yes, you do.
BILL
I do fuckin' not!!!
VITO
You do.
BILL
I'm gonna shoot you in the other leg.
VITO
That's part of it, it's one of the symptoms.
BILL
I give the fuck up! What are you talkin' about?
VITO
You tell me.
BILL
I'm not talking to you!
VITO
What you need is anger management.
BILL
Go fuck yourself.
40 EXT. SMASH HOUSE--DAY
The gangsters car pulls up in front of the Smash House and the two gangsters
get out of the car.
BILL
Maybe they got a car here, you check the back.
40 EXT. SMASH HOUSE--DAY (cont.)
VITO
You do it, I gotta take a shit.
BILL
Take a shit out back! Moron.
VITO
See, there you go again.
BILL
What now?
VITO
Nothin' Forget about it, Mr. Phone
Chucker.
BILL
Is that what this is about?
GRANNY
Who the hell are you?
VITO (startled)
Who? What? Hey shut the fuck up, ya bag.
BILL
Here we go.
VITO
Where the fuck are we, wouldn't be surprised
if Josie Wales rides up any second.
GRANNY
Are you salesman? Unless you got yarn I
suggest you get right back in your car and
get outta here.
VITO rushes up the steps and down the porch and slugs GRANNY in the jaw.
Her chair breaks, the railing breaks and she flies over the railing and lands
in the huge pile of broken chairs. BILL runs up to VITO.
BILL
What the hell did you do that for?
VITO
She got on my nerves.
40 EXT. SMASH HOUSE--DAY (cont.)
From off camera, GRANNY throws a piece of a broken chair that hits
VITO in the head.
GRANNY
Ya bastard!
VITO searches himself for a gun, then turns to BILL.
VITO
Gimme your gun, I'm gonna whack 'er!
BILL
And you talk about me,…get a hold of
yourself.
41. INT. LIVING ROOM--DAY
BILL kicks open the front door. HARVEY is surrounded by all of his weapons
and is cleaning a large rifle. There is a long moment of silence.
BILL (NERVOUS)
Oh shit Vito, now what.
VITO
What a frickin' arsenal. Easy there pops.
HARVEY'S eye twitches. BILL shifts his weight nervously. HARVEY notices the
gun in BILL's hand and slowly stands up.
VITO
Take it easy there.
HARVEY drops the rifle and quickly raises his hands.
HARVEY
Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!
BILL and VITO exchange confused looks.
BILL
Um,…get over there, move. Over to that
chair. Tie him up with something, Vito.
ESTHER enters the room carrying a washer. BILL and VITO stare at her.
ESTHER
Harvey, I figured I do the wash in here.
Oh,…Hi Bill, Hi Vito.
BILL
(LONG PAUSE) Um,…how do you know our names?
ESTHER
You're faces are all over the TV. You're the
young men that shot that poor policeman.
41. INT. LIVING ROOM--DAY(cont.)
VITO
I didn't shoot shit, he did it!
BILL
Shut up you!
ESTHER drops the washer.
ESTHER
So boys,…which chair do I get tired to?
VITO ties ESTHER to a chair as GRANNY stumbles into the room, holding her jaw.
ESTHER
This is so exciting, oh, Hi Mother. Have
you met Bill and Vito? We're going to be
hostages.
GRANNY
I met them, the fat bastard slugged me in
the jaw!
VITO
Hey who you calling fat you cracked leather
saddle bag! C'mon, let me whack 'er!
BILL motions to GRANNY to sit in a chair. She sits down and within several
seconds the chair breaks.
GRANNY
Jesus H. Christ!
BILL and VITO exchange glances.
BILL
OK, go over to that one.
GRANNY sits in another chair, which breaks.
GRANNY
Jesus H. Christ!
BILL
Quit monkeying around would ya? Go over
to that one.
GRANNY breaks another chair.
GRANNY, BILL, and VITO
JESUS H. CHRIST!
BILL
Tie her to the stairs.
41. INT. LIVING ROOM--DAY(cont.)
ADAM and PEGGY SUE enter the room.
BILL
What is this the fuckin' Waltons? Hey
John Boy, have a seat.
ADAM looks around for John Boy.
BILL
You. Have a seat. You too sweatass.
PEGGY SUE sits on a dining room chair. ADAM sits on an adjustable beach chair.
PEGGY SUE
Adam, who are these men?
ADAM
Strangers, I reckon.
ESTHER
No that’s Bill, he's the one with the gun.
He's a murder. And the fat bastard is Vito.
VITO
Now is that nice Mrs.,..um Mrs…
ESTHER
Smash. I'm Esther, That's Harvey, Adam, you
punched Granny…and that's Peggy Sue. She's not
related. She wants to let Adam get in her
pants.
PEGGY SUE
MRS. SMASH!!!
ESTHER
She baked him a pie and everything…
BILL
(interrupting) Yeah that sweet, shut up!
We need a car. You got a car?
HARVEY
I got a Woody.
BILL and VITO exchange glances.
VITO (Laughs)
Hey Billy, This fuckin' guys' got one of
them kinky tie me up things.
BILL
I think he means a old car, moron.
41. INT. LIVING ROOM--DAY(cont.)
VITO
Oh, ya got any gas?
GRANNY
Mr.Bubbles does.
BILL and VITO exchange glances.
VITO
Yeah, where's he?
GRANNY
On the porch.
VITO leaves the living room headed for the porch. He comes back several
seconds later.
VITO
The ol' bag's senile. Nothing out there
but a dead cat.
GRANNY
Jesus H. Christ, they killed Mr. Bubbles!
BILL
Why the fuck did you kill the cat?
VITO
Don't look at me, that thing has been dead
For weeks. So, where's the gas?
GRANNY farts and smiles at VITO.
VITO
C'mon Billy, Let me whack 'er!
ESTHER
Now relax boys, there's a pump out back.
I just installed it a few days ago.
VITO
Hey, yous people got a bathroom.
ESTHER
Up stairs, third door on the left.
VITO leave to find the bathroom.
BILL
So Pops, where are the keys to your Woody?
41. INT. LIVING ROOM--DAY(cont.)
HARVEY
In my ammo closet. Right over there.
BILL
Thank you.
BILL walks to the ammo closet. As he opens the door he stands in amazement.
The closet is filled with many different kinds of ammo.
BILL
(to himself) Jesus. Ready for World War Three.
BILL turns to HARVEY
BILL
Hey, you mind if we take some of this shit?
HARVEY
Help yourself. So, when do you think you
fella's are gonna make it back this way.
BILL
Hopefully never.
HARVEY'S lip starts to quiver and tears well up in his eyes.
ESTHER
There, there Harvey.
BILL
What's eating him?
ESTHER
He just gets attached.
VITO comes down the stairs and glares at BILL. He looks distressed.
BILL
What?
VITO
I'm not talking to you.
BILL
Not this again, what I do now?
VITO
You made me wait too long, that’s what you
did.
41. INT. LIVING ROOM--DAY(cont.)
ESTHER
Are your pipes clogged sweetheart?
VITO
Shut up you!
ESTHER
Cause if you are, Harvey gives the best
enema's.
BILL and VITO exchange glances. HARVEY smiles. GRANNY begins to laugh. VITO
kicks her in the stomach, making her fart.
VITO
Alright, c'mon. Let's whack 'em all and
get outta here.
BILL looks at the group of hostages. He turns to VITO.
BILL
I can't shoot these people. They've been
So,…so helpful. I mean look, we got guns,
a car, gas…
ESTHER
And you should take a hostage with you. For
protection. I mean, what's the worse that
can happen now,…you already killed a nice
policeman.
BILL
She's gotta point Vito.
ESTHER
If I were you, I'd take PEGGY SUE. She's
young, beautiful and no one would shoot at
you so long as she is in the car.
PEGGY SUE
MRS. SMASH!!!!
BILL
Oh she's good,…reminds me of mama, huh?
VITO
So what do we do with the rest of 'em?
41. INT. LIVING ROOM--DAY(cont.)
ESTHER
You could do something that makes it
look like an accident.
VITO
What a wonderful idea.
VITO walks into the kitchen and pulls a gas hose from the stove.
BILL
OK, lets get the car juiced up, untie
Sweetass.
ESTHER
You boys wanna sandwich before you hit the road?
BILL and VITO exchange glances.
VITO
Let's get the fuck outta here, these people
give me the creeps.
BILL and VITO drag PEGGY SUE away. They stop to pick up some guns and ammo
then continue. They exit.
HARVEY
(Balling) Sure gonna miss you boys!
ESTHER
Such nice criminals, don't you think mother?
GRANNY
Fuck 'em!
ADAM
But Mommy, they took Peggy Sue.
ESTHER
Oh dear. That's true. Well, looks like
you're just gonna have to get her back
then.
The Woody is heard driving away.
HARVEY
Son, ya think you could find a way of
getting outta these ropes. I'm getting
a little light headed.
GRANNY
And my buttocks is getting all chaffed.
41. INT. LIVING ROOM--DAY(cont.)
ADAM looks around the room. He sees a lighter on a coffee table.
He hops his chair over to the coffee table and struggles to pick it up.
He flips the lid and begins striking.
42. EXT. SMASH HOUSE--AFTERNOON
A long aerial shot of the house. There is a large explosion. The entire house
is engulfed in a fireball. From the fireball a screaming twirling ADAM is seen
coming close and closer. He is still tied to his chair.
43. EXT. TRAINTRACKS--AFTERNOON
The chair lands on a set of railroad tracks. ADAM is unharmed, except for burn
marks on his clothing. He begins to struggle with the ropes. A train whistle is
heard in the distance. ADAM begins struggling more vigorously.
The whistle gets louder and louder. At the last second, the beach chair collapses
and ADAM is laying flat on the tracks. The train passes over top of him and he is
unhurt. Boom up to show the train goes on for miles and miles.
(DISSOLVE TO)
44. EXT. DEMOLISHED SMASH HOUSE--AFTERNOON
The train is seen in the distance. The Smash family is brushing themselves off.
ESTHER
Oh dear, look at the time. I got crops
to dust.
HARVEY
Don't worry about the mess here dear, I'll
take care of it.
GRANNY searches the rubble for Mr. Bubbles
GRANNY
Mr. Bubbles, Kitty, kitty…